Gender, Nihilism, and Pinterest

 

Hello my loves [I say as if there is anyone other than myself re-reading my posts],

    Today I would like to tackle a bit more complex of a topic, and one that may resonate with anyone reading this. If it does, feel free to comment (I'm not engagement baiting I promise, I just would like to know some people that have gone through similar experiences!). 

 

   

  I suppose my story begins in middle school-when I had first developed a feeling that my body wasn't my own. At the time, I was very certain that I should have been born the opposite gender. That is to say, that I although I was born a girl, I thought with 100% certainty I was supposed to be a man. I cut my hair short, and tried to wear super baggy clothes, but with other things going on in my life, I basically never passed. I had a super supportive best friend at the time, and we developed this running joke because I was just constantly changing my name. I was also interestingly at my most creative point, but this could have been due to a number of things. I was also at the peak of my mental struggles, throughout the entire time I had this strong, soul-crushing telling that I was a boy. I had a very specific image of what I wanted myself to look like, and because my 12 year old self couldn't shapeshift I hated everything.

    Slowly I just developed this inherent indifference towards this feeling. It started by just letting my hair grow out. Suddenly pronouns didn't matter anymore. I was a girl. And suddenly, I seemed to like being a girl. This wasn't without its consequences either. This follows after instances of regretful or forced sexual interactions that told my body that I was how I was- there was no changing that. After my hair grew out, and I began to involve myself more in my education and the people around me, I just started to never think about that feeling. I had insecurities about my body, but it was no longer in a dysphoric way. I came to think that it was just my pre-Covid phase. 

 

   

 Interestingly, there began to be this subtle, ever-so nagging thought in the back of my head. I figured I would add they/them pronouns to my bio, but I knew no one would see them- and frankly, I just really didn't care. People could perceive me how they wanted, and that was as a girl. I had also become much more comfortable in feminine clothing. There were a few moments in my relationships where I asked myself or my partner[s] if they would still like me even if I was masculine clothing- but I just meant the clothing... right?

    Throughout my junior year of college, it became increasingly more evident to me some of those original feelings I had about myself from all the way back in middle school. It felt like when I would go through periods of hating my body, liking considering myself a guy (not as a man, a guy- and this is an important to distinguish), or just not wanting a gender at all; I would also be at my lowest periods. Whenever my mental health was at its lowest, these feelings would come back up.

    More recently I've begun to feel maybe more on the spectrum of genderfluid between female and non-binary, but still sometimes I get this feeling that I want to be something more. To be honest I'm sure I could write an entire book on this feeling and everything that comes with it, but for now this blog post will have to do.